My life as a joke, a diabetic, and a robot.
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sciraphe's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, December 12th, 2005 | | 8:44 am |
| Your Eyes Should Be Violet | 
Your eyes reflect: Mystery and allure
What's hidden behind your eyes: A quiet passion |
Fucking AWESOME! XD Current Mood:  cheerfulCurrent Music: Tool - Pushit | | Friday, December 2nd, 2005 | | 12:56 pm |
What a week. Found out my probation hasn't been officially transferred yet, thanks to the lazy assed legal system in Georgia. Been making some calls and it looks like they're finally sending the papers after about three months of waiting for them to do their part. Just when you think things're going okay, you find out they're just as screwed up as they were before. At least Ken's talking to me again. Turns out he was purposely trying to avoid me because he felt he was relying on my too much. That I can understand and accept, but what really gets to me is the fact that he didn't tell me any of it beforehand. Sounds like my parents are really getting irritated with eachother again... Talked to BB last night, which was nice. Heard about a show on Nickelodean that he actually likes. Which is impressive, seeing as how he doesn't like TV. Sounds like an accurate depiction of teenage life. From what it sounds like, it actually is a good depiction of teenage life, including sex, drugs and even homosexuality. I'm getting married to Angel in furc today. I really can't wait. I hope someday we get to do that for real... Current Mood:  nervousCurrent Music: The sounds of stupidity. Yes...Red vs Blue | | Wednesday, November 30th, 2005 | | 1:58 pm |
Just an update on life, I guess. Thanksgiving was nice. Had some good food, played video games with the cousins and even got a Christmas present early. Spent some time with Steve, which was awesome. Though we didn't have the chance to meet the other local furries or even spend time with Ken, which sucked. The gaming was surprisingly challenging and fun as always. Played some Battlefront 2, which is glitchy as hell when system linked. Did some Chaos Theory versus play, which was pretty cool, though it's as if a merc is unstoppable in a deathmatch. Did some Halo 2, per the norm which was the best of the three games played. My cousins have always been pretty good at the game. This time, though, they really outshined me. At least in kills. Tactically they've got some work to do, but they're not bad at all. Even though they outshined me in kills, the team I'm on always seems to win for some strange reason. I'm not really complaining, though. I know I'd have fun even if the team I was on wasn't winning. We've had some really priceless gaming moments. :3 Current Mood: calm | | Tuesday, November 29th, 2005 | | 11:18 pm |
Been a while since I've posted anything. What do you do when a friend stops opening up to you? When they stop communicating with you at all? Nothing. I can understand that there are certain things that need to be kept secret, even from those close to you. But why not just say it? Why not just explain to that friend that it's a time when he doesn't feel like communicating with you, or even interacting with you? There isn't any reason not to, unless you WANT conflict to occur. Do I bother you? Tell me to stop. Don't wanna talk to me? Fine. Just say it. Don't throw out signals that have a certain ambiguity to them, because you KNOW it's possible I'll take it the wrong way, or I'll just keep bugging you. I don't care what the hell you're thinking when you shut me out. It's no excuse for your behavior. Yeah, I can be one hell of a pest, but you know that. You don't tell me to stop I'm still going to be a pest. But YOU'RE going to be the asshole when you react badly. I give you honesty and I expect the same in return. I don't expect to have to drive you around places, but do it anyways. Not to repay a debt, but because you're my friend. I listen to you tell me how bad my sense of directionis, how clean my car is, and how disappointed you are in how I lack a certain skill in observing things. I listen to you complain about MY habits and a part of who I am, you'd better damn well at least have the courtesy to tell me to shut the hell up and leave you alone when you want it. Did I do something to make you act that way? Tell me. Were you disappointed when we didn't do something together with some other friends? Tell me. I'll explain what happened and sincerely apologize. But not when you don't tell me. Not when you shut me out enough to not even speak to me. Not when you don't have the decency to flat out let me know when I've talked to much or gone too far THEN go so far as to tell me that I should've seen your damn hidden signals. Not when you act in the EXACT manner that one time your significant other acted towards you. I don't appreciate it at all and am rather pissed off and hurt by it. Not your intention to offend me, hurt me or insult me in any way shape or form? Well, I'm letting you know now, as I'm pretty sure I had before, that it happened anyway. It's your own damned self that did it and it's not my job to fix the part of you that managed to screw up your intent. If you want me to, I'll try to help as a friend and at the VERY LEAST I'm letting you know flat out how I feel. And that's about all I have to say on that. Current Mood:  confused | | Sunday, June 26th, 2005 | | 12:21 pm |
I realized this morning that when you're in love with someone, worth never comes to your mind because that person or those persons are priceless... Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge | | Tuesday, June 21st, 2005 | | 10:10 am |
http://www.commondreams.org/views05/0614-26.htm Read this and post the link on every American site you can. If not, post the link to the main site. If we don't want America to go down the same path as Nazi Germany we NEED to take action. Current Mood: hopeful | | Monday, June 20th, 2005 | | 9:00 pm |
I'm not quite sure what to say. I remember, a long time ago, I decided I was going to be different from the stereotypical guy. I tried so hard to be honorable, to have relationships with meaning and not to just use someone then leave them. Now one of the people I care for the most comes out and tells me he doesn't want to be just an online fucktoy to me, that all I do is tell him to shut up and fuck me...How does one respond to that??? The very thing I've tried so hard to avoid becoming...is what I am in his eyes. I'm worthless. My friends always threw the phrase, "You fail at life." around in the most humorous and non-serious manner possible. But this...this marks a true failure in one of my lifelong goals. I want to cry my heart out, to throw up everything I ate on that binge I just took, to lay down in bed and never wake up...But I'd like to think I'm stronger than that. I yiff because it's how I show affection for those I care for. I have difficulty expressing myself otherwise. I told him this and he basically tells me it's a personal problem that I need to work out with my mate. Wow...one of my methods of self expression is wrong. Then...then he tells me that as long as I'm taken it'll never feel right talking to me. I have to wonder what his intentions were when he told me this. "You're a user, you make me feel worthless, but I want you and can't stand the thought of not having you." Is that the gist of the conversation? Am I missing something here? Gods I want to hurl... ;-; Current Mood:  crushed | | Monday, June 13th, 2005 | | 12:42 pm |
I never thought such a thing would happen, but I actually love System of a Down's new song Lost in Hollywood. It flows very well, especially considering SoaD's history with crappy lyrics. Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: System of a Down - Lost in Hollywood | | Wednesday, June 8th, 2005 | | 8:43 am |
Got another e-mail from the HRC. Looks like they're having a gay pride parade over in Lansing, Michigan's capitol, and in Grand Rapids. Since Lansing's closer I'm going to go to that one. It's on the 25th of this month. Heck...I might even volunteer to help out during the event. ^^ Current Mood: cheerful | | Saturday, June 4th, 2005 | | 9:14 am |
A Short Rant.
Just wanted to rant about furcadia. It's filled people who have no idea how to RP fight well. All anyone does is auto-hit, which is easy enough to counter. However...it keeps other players options limited in terms of defensive abilities, causing fights to suffer from "DBZ Syndrome". Meaning battles are nothing but a repetitives series of attacks and counters, thereby sucking major ass. Current Mood: contemplative | | Friday, June 3rd, 2005 | | 11:56 am |
Never been so happy about spending so much money...
Just got back from Lover's Lane with a few toys. X3 Never have I spent so much money on so few items...but I've rarely been more excited about doing so. I think I'll be happy. Work's in about 45 mins., though, so I'll be reporting on how it works out later tonight. Current Mood: excited | | Sunday, May 29th, 2005 | | 9:12 pm |
Genitals
A serious talk about genitals. Current Mood:  geeky | | Friday, May 20th, 2005 | | 7:38 am |
Lmao. XD Thanks, Admiral Content-Relic. Current Mood:  bouncy | | Wednesday, May 18th, 2005 | | 12:12 pm |
Sense
Hm...just thinking about a lot of stuff recently. Prison and BB mostly. By that I mean I'm scared of what's going to happen with that stupid stupid thing I did. I'm worried about BB...a whole lot. He tried calling last night and I was over at a friend's where I don't get a signal for my cell. I hope he's alright... Not sure how this was brought about, but I started thinking about this feeling I get when I meet certain people. With Raidy it went crazy. It's as if there's something seriously wrong with him. It's the same feeling I get when I talk to BB, E, and even Shawn as well as with myself. Almost like something's really...off about us. Doesn't feel like it's a bad thing. It's different than when I start talking with someone else who simply lives close. But what's really odd is the feeling I get with Faine and Stormy. Unique and amazing all in one. Stormy the crazy neko rocks. ^^ Everything about his personality screams, "unique" in the most awesome way possible. Oooh...*pauses for a moment to watch "Valhalla Knights". ...omg that was freaking sweet. But back to what I was talking about earlier. Now Alan...there's an oddball if I ever did meet one. And I mean that in the best way possible. Sweet, poetic at times, and funny with how thickheaded he is(or acts. I'm not sure if he's really as thick as he lets on. :P). I suppose there's always something lying beneath the surface. We all put up an act for different people and I suppose each of those is just one reflection of the many facets of the uncut gem that is our soul. Hm...I have to find out where I heard that from so I can make a proper quote... Current Mood: contemplativeCurrent Music: Metallica/Megadeth - Hunger | | Friday, April 22nd, 2005 | | 11:11 am |
Mew...stuff.
Yep, been quite a while since I put anything into this. Anyways, lots of stuff's been on my mind lately. Frank, Raidy, "Luke", but mostly Shawn, my new boyfriend. *smiles and happily sighs thinking of him* What else can I say other than he seems perfect. Not just TOO perfect, but every little flaw is something I can cherish about him, if he has any that is. His parents are devout catholics, you know the typical kind you hear about? But Shawn...he's unbelievable. I want to shower him with attention and be with him every waking moment. He's sooo good to me, but it's not like all of the previous relationships where their personality completely changes towards you. We still chat like friends online like we used to and talk to eachother over the phone pretty much the same way, but a whole lot more with more "I wuv you..."s and such. Raidy made me feel good when I was with him most of the time, but when I first met him I was a little leery about getting into a relationship with another submissive person. With Shawn I know what to expect for the most part and have no problem alternating roles with him. Also I've never enjoyed physical contact so much before...I love giving him that sort of attention and don't get physically tired from it like with my first relationship. What're his dreams like? Well, he wants to mod cars like on Need for Speed Underground 2. I can imagine what my parents would say to that and we already know what his say to it, but I'm all for it. ^^ | | Tuesday, January 25th, 2005 | | 1:03 pm |
Heartache
I don't know what entity possessed me to do so, but I went into my chat logs and pulled the one up from my chats with my first boyfriend. Correction...first true love. Yeah, I'm not over him yet. I had forgotten how much time we spent together online. There were probably a couple dozen pages worth of text documenting almost everything we went through together as a couple. Save for one important thing, him breaking up with me. I went to visit him the moment I saved up, correction, got the courage to withdraw 100$ from my bank account for gas and food. It didn't really cost much to see him, he lives only a state away. We spent about four days together. I got to know the real him, some of his friends and his parents. He was a total redneck save for his sexual preference. But if you think that I mean that as a bad thing you misunderstand. I loved him all the more after that and it took every ounce of restraint I had not to cry before I got back into my mother's car and blow the secret to his parents. After that, I had completely fallen for him. During those few days were some of the rare times I was actually happy. I should've realized something was wrong with the picture my mind had painted of our relationship when he practically said nothing as I left. I got home, called him to tell him I made it, then didn't hear from him or see him online for another couple of days until I finally called him. What little he did say was just that he was tired and he was in the middle of a nap. I don't even remember if he said he loved me. More time passed and I was missing him horribly. So much so that I don't really remember how much time had gone by. Well, I finally saw him online when I came home from college , though his away message was on. I checked the away message preview, and saw the beginnings of a message that I could only hope wasn't what I thought it was going to be. But it was...it said he was very sorry, but he couldn't be with me anymore and that he didn't want to hurt me. The hurt hasn't gone away...and I doubt it ever will. No matter how hard I've tried to move on, it just keeps coming back. It doesn't dull, it doesn't get easier with time, it's still the same as when I first felt it...once my initial numbness wore off that is. I haven't let it get in the way of things, not even when I tried the whole relationship thing over again. I have to wonder just why they never seem to work out. Of the one thing I expect, is it really too much? To be honest with me...is that so hard? Frank wasn't like that...he was honest about everything up until the end. So why did he have to ditch me? That's the only thing I wanted to know, but he couldn't even give that to me. BB's right, I sure can pick em. Current Mood:  Yeah...Current Music: none | | Saturday, December 11th, 2004 | | 7:35 pm |
Heh, I knew there was a reason I started a journal. I don't even need to keep it a secret, no one visits here anyways. Boy do I ever love my irl friends. With them, it's not like they don't care, they just forget about me. Oh well, I count myself lucky that they care at all. I'm such a dumbass. Why couldn't I just tell myself, "Okay, Raidy said it was okay I yiff BB and Shawn, but I won't no matter what." Instead of, "Okay, I'm feeling really yiffy and Raidy and Shawn aren't here. BB wants to yiff with me and hun said I could have a threesome with BB and Shawn. I think it'll be alright for just one time..." Boy, how ignorant am I? How could I have been so damn inconsiderate, stupid and just plain wrong in what I did? Well now I know...and it'll never happen again. Raidy's making sure of it and I sure as hell am gonna make sure I won't forget it. Gods I love him all the more for doing this to me. I wish he was here...I wish he would talk to me... Current Mood: sad | | Friday, December 10th, 2004 | | 7:14 pm |
The Villain
Where do I begin? Bluntly stated, I fucked up. Now my soul rests under the crushing weight of my conscience. It's small flame no longer burns at its mediocre level. In the heat of the moment, I gave in to my selfish desires... Not considering every moral nuance or detail...or the feelings of the one who matters most. And because of it... I lost the trust of my love. I deal my battered groin another blow I so rightly deserve. Do you hear that? It is the scream of my tormented soul, muffled by its conscience as I beat the lesson into it once again... Only a tiny whisper escapes... And this is it. Do not feel pity or concern... For I am the villain who brought it upon himself. Current Mood: sad | | Thursday, December 9th, 2004 | | 1:18 pm |
Bands I love.
I very much enjoy Metallica(old skool only, St. Anger can bite my ass), Tool, Green day and Megadeth. | | 12:36 pm |
Love ^.^
OMG! Raidy is so perfect! I love him so much! I can't believe it...my friend Oli was right. Thank you, Oli! And of course I can't forget about BB who told Raidy about me....Thank you so much Blood Beast!! I'm probably even getting a job soon, so I'm in a really good mood! Current Mood: Stressed and tired, but good.Current Music: Metallica - For Whom the Bell Tolls |
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